Doubt Cast Over Snoopy as Planker Zero

CAMBRIDGE, 27 May 2011 - A new theory has emerged that casts doubt on the widely held belief that the 'art' of Planking was invented by 1960's rapper Badly Drawn Dog, a.k.a 'Snoopy' (pictured).

A group of Cambridge historians with nothing better to do have spent the past three weeks thoroughly examining several books and some photos and have come to the startling conclusion that Planking may have had its origins more than 4,000 years before Snoopy was even a freshly sharpened pencil.

A spokesman for the hastily formed group of history Professors, which calls itself Cambridge Researchers Against Planking, said the idea came to them while sharing a spliff a few Sunday's ago after another dismal performance by Cambridge United.

Professor Cam Parker said it was really quite obvious once you saw it.

"It was really quite obvious once you saw it. We were sitting there, stoned off our tits and joking about how the great stone monuments resembled someone Planking.

"We all know the old druids were a bunch of potheads with a liking for 'shrooms and we believe they erected the stones as a bit of a stoned prank. Probably told everyone that planking was a form of Pagan worship of Mother Earth. Makes sense, doesn't it? Lying face down like that?"

Professor Parker says their ancient prank has passed down the ages.

"The joke's on us, really, innit? I mean, seriously? Planking?"

Major Union Slams Miner Over Planking Policy

PERTH 25 May 2011 - Mining and resources behemoth BHP Billiton is under fire from a key union over its Planking position.

BHP this week issued an official Safe Planking Alert (left - click for full size) to its workers after a lunch-time disagreement over practical Planking positions on humungous dump trucks turned nasty.

The incident left three workers with only one sandwich and four more without sufficient tea to continue working.

Rob Raven, General Secretary of the Mining Industry And Overpaid Workers union (MIAOW) slammed BHP's stance on this most pathetic of past-times.

"Our members have enough on their plates, especially at Morning Tea, Late Morning Tea, Lunch, Early Afternoon Tea, Almost Forgot Third Morning Tea and Nearly Finished Break, without these plonkers encouraging Plankers. Or vice versa," quoth the Raven. "Nevermore".

The shiny union boss, bedecked in more bling than the average urban posse, received support from a likely source.

Elliott Stotegobbler, President of the Plankers Are W**kers Society (PAWS) was quick to echo Raven's sentiments, or thereabouts.

"These guys get paid $300,000 a year to play in an oversized sandpit. I guess it's entirely appropriate that BHP is encouraging them to play childish pranks, or Planks, as the case may be. I mean, seriously?"

Where Raven and Stotegobbler differed in their views was on the question of whether it is safe to Plank at all on a mining site. Raven wondered aloud how his men would hold their tea if they fell while Planking and hurt themselves. The view of PAWS was more to the point:

"Let 'em. Natural selection, we say."

Camping Confused After 'Rapture' Took Christian Plankers Only

AUCKLAND, 22 May 2011 - Despite widespread belief that yesterday's 'Rapture', or 'Judgement Day', failed to eventuate, there is emerging evidence to the contrary. At least in Auckland, New Zealand.

Harold Camping, president of US Christian network Family Radio, has long predicted that the Rapture would take place on Saturday 21st May, starting in New Zealand at 6pm local time.

But with an absence of major disasters or sudden mass disappearances and with churches this morning as full as ever, leading critics, athiests and general disaffected persons were quick to pour derision on Mr Camping and his followers, who were certain he was right this time, his failed 1994 prediction being put down to his poor grasp of maths.

This morning, however, photohgraphic evidence emerged that the Rapture may indeed have taklen place, just not as anyone expected. Four reknowned Auckland plankers, all Christians, disappeared just as a photo was being taken of them lying face down on a city sidewalk at 6.01pm yesterday.

Harold Camping isn't sure whether to feel vindicated or not. "I don't understand it. I really don't. I mean, why would the good Lord take these complete idiots, who share a braincell between them on a rostered basis, and leave us sensible, faithfull believers behind? I mean, seriously? Plankers?"

Man Disfigured in Horrendous Treadmill Planking Incident

SYDNEY, 19 May 2011 - A London man has been left seriously disfigured after a planking stunt at a central Sydney gymnasium went horribly wrong.

The 56 year-old musician, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, told reporters he wished he had never heard of Planking, an inexplicable past-time that involves lying face down in unusual locations or on unusual objects.

"It was stupid, really. I was trying to impress this cute young chick who had just started exercising next to me. On reflection, a treadmill was probably not the wisest of things to try planking on."

The man was flung off the back of the treadmill he was attempting to plank on and underneath an inclined treadmill behind him, on which another gymgoer was doing sprint training.

Senior Personal Trainer at the gym, Priscilla Gonzales, said it was a very messy affair. "He got jammed in the other treadmill and the guy using it was a bit slow in hitting the emergency stop. Half the victim's face was mashed up or ground off."

Ms Gonzales had little sympathy for the disfigured man. "Planker? Fucking plonker if you ask me. I mean, seriously? What a retard."

New Zealand Capital City Takes Anti-planking Stand

Wellington, 18 May 2011 - The capital city of South Pacific nation New Zealand has taken a strong and very visible stance against the planking craze sweeping the world.

Residents of Wellington, home of director and producer Sir Peter Jackson's movie-making empire, awoke on Sunday morning to the sight of a giant sign on a coastal hillside.

The 'No Planking' sign was erected, says Wellington mayor, Celia Wade-Brown, to deter would-be planking tourists from attempting what she termed "inane excuses for stunts" in their city.

"What a total crock", Mayor Wade-Brown said, describing the 'art' of Planking. "I mean, seriously? If they want to goof off or be rebellious, at least have the decency to do something moderately entertaining and requiring a brain cell or two."

A spokesman for pro-Planking lobby group Global Recognition of the Importance of Planking (GRIP), Lionel Flatley, said that the Mayor's comments and the city's giant sign were typical of the lack of understanding of the Planking phenomenon.

"People used to laugh at and make fun of bicycles, too, when people first started riding them. And now look. The Mayor needs to open her mind a little."

Celia Wade-Brown responded by suggesting Mr Flatley, and his organisation, get a grip.